Signs of Love Read online

  Signs of Love

  Harper Skye

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Epilogue

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  Acknowledgments

  Chapter 1

  She hadn’t expected to see him. Not here, in this random bar, in this tiny speck of a place amongst the vast wilderness of Alaska. But there he was, sitting at a high top table drowning in the noise of the bar and the harsh glare of the tv screens and light over the pool table in the corner.

  Ailsa blinked, certain that she was imagining things. What was he doing this far north? It couldn’t be him. It wasn’t.

  Ailsa watched as Zach put down his beer and rubbed his hands together. Slowly. Like she remembered him doing so many times before when he was considering something. His light brown hair was shorter than it had been last summer, and the line of his jaw was shaded with the rough stubble of facial hair that was quickly becoming a beard. The muscles of his arms and shoulders pushed out against his blue shirt, and for a split second Ailsa remembered what it had felt like when those arms had been holding her, warm and solid and smelling of the forest.

  Standing in the entrance of the bar, it was as if the world had slowed. In that brief moment when she saw him look down at his hands, she remembered him. All the things she had tried so hard to forget. His thick brown hair. The golden flecks in his warm eyes. The way a smile played so often at the corner of his mouth. The quiet that had felt so natural and relaxed between them. The way it had felt to lay her head against his chest. The roughness of his face as he leaned into her. The way his large hands had swallowed hers. The way the callouses on his fingers had felt brushing against her cheek. The way he had looked at her the first day they met — with that startled look people get when they come across something unexpected and beautiful and wild in the forest.

  It was him. There was no denying it. Despite her intentions to travel north, away from the place they had met in southern Alaska where she thought he lived… Despite it all he was here, sitting at a table in this same bar she had stumbled upon along the road into Fairbanks.

  He hasn’t seen me, Ailsa heard a panicked voice break through her memories. He hasn’t seen me. I could turn around and leave now. Just get in the truck. At least just sit in the truck and think what to do.

  Her mind was racing but everything else felt slow, like she was moving through water. Ailsa found that instead of moving, she had looked down at her own hands, and for a split second she almost saw something, the flicker of an answer she always searched for in the lines carved into her palms. But then it was gone and all she could feel was the dirt of the road and the fear that lived so close to the surface of her life.

  Turn around Ailsa, she heard her mind shouting at her over the noise of the bar. Go back to the truck. You aren’t here for him. You’ve got things to figure out first. If he see you…

  If he saw her, what? It would be too hard. It would be the final straw that broke her. Ailsa knew she had too much to figure out. The bear that kept visiting her in her dreams. The indecipherable pathways of her life lines. And what the fuck she could ever do with her life now to make up for the past.

  She wanted to move, but it was as if the force of him held her still. The gravitation pull she felt from his body pulled at something deep in her chest. It felt like she was rooted to the ground, unable to tear her eyes away from his face. That face that had never come to her in her dreams but had followed her through every waking day like an imprint on her mind. His eyes. His voice. His touch. All the ways he made her feel alive and not simply a walking ghost of a girl.

  Zach shifted on his seat. His wide hand closed around the glass of beer that shone like amber in the light. He lifted it to his mouth and gulped. When he lowered the glass to the table Ailsa saw his mouth move, replying to the dark haired guy sitting across from him.

  It was Seb, Ailsa realized. Seb had been at the lake house too last summer when she had first met Zach. They were old friends, and Ailsa realized if Seb was also here this couldn’t be a coincidence. This must be where he lives. Fairbanks. She had wondered so many times. When they had decided not to exchange numbers or email addresses or any of the other information that could keep them in touch, Ailsa had lost any hope of tracking Zach down. She had logged onto google maps so many times, wandering with her fingers over the wild lands of Alaska, wondering where he was, where her fingers might brush over him. Fairbanks. Now she knew.

  And then Ailsa noticed the woman sitting next to Zach. How had she not immediately registered her? The woman was beautiful. Her blond hair was tied back but loose curls fell forward against the sides of her face. She was laughing, and her whole body moved easily as if she held some light-hearted joy Ailsa had not felt herself in a long long time.

  The woman lay a hand against Zach’s arm, and Ailsa felt her stomach clench tight as she saw Zach look at her and smile at whatever she had said. It was the touch of intimacy. Ailsa felt herself take a sharp breath. Turn around Ailsa, the voice in her head commanded. He’s with his girlfriend. Quick before he sees you.

  If he saw her, it was over. Ailsa was from Scotland. Halfway around the world from Alaska. He wouldn’t know it was a complete coincidence that she was here. He wouldn’t know she hadn’t come back to Alaska because of him. He would think she was a desperate woman traipsing halfway around the world blinded by some fantasy of a summer fling that was never supposed to be anything more.

  It was just a fling, Ailsa told herself. This is just a strange coincidence. You can get dinner somewhere else and once your fiddle is fixed you can be back on the road and lost in the wilderness of Alaska. He’ll never know you were here.

  The knot tightened in her stomach as she shifted on her feet. She had been standing there mere seconds. It had felt like an age.

  “Can I help you?” A young girl with a stack of menus broke through Ailsa’s thoughts. “You can just go ahead and sit anywhere. You here for food?”

  “I’m not sure…” Ailsa said, shaking her head. Her heart had caught up with her mind now and was beating a fury in her chest. To see him so unexpectedly was enough to knock the breath out of her. To see him sitting next to this beautiful blond woman with the joyful laugh was too much. It was suddenly making Ailsa feel things she didn’t want to feel. It was forcing her to admit things that she didn’t want to admit. That maybe she had lied to herself about coming back to Alaska. Maybe she had come back hoping that somehow she would find herself in this very situation. Face-to-face with this man that had pressed his warm mouth to hers, who had looked at her as if she was a beautiful sacred thing, who had held her under the wide grey sky of the brief Al
askan summer night.

  A loud cheer echoed suddenly across the bar. It was just the game on the TV, but it startled Ailsa from the slow motion world as if the sound had raced across the bar like a slap in the face. Ailsa felt her hands tighten into fists. Go. Before your heart remembers him. Before it hurts too much. Ailsa’s hands were trembling now, but even as these thoughts raced through her mind, her gaze betrayed her and she stole a last look at him.

  He was finishing the last of his beer, and when he placed the glass back down on the table he looked at Seb with that funny expression he sometimes made with his eyes, as if he was listening and also laughing at you because he saw things about you that you couldn’t see. His gaze was close, watching Seb’s face as he talked.

  And then, for seemingly no reason at all, his gaze shifted. His eyes fell on Ailsa’s face. And the feeling of his gaze against her skin was like a clap of thunder.

  For a moment, he didn’t move, and Ailsa thought maybe he hadn’t seen her after all. Perhaps she was blending in with the other faces in the bar. And then his brown eyes fell wide open and Ailsa knew there was no going back.

  Oh shit!

  “We should let it be what it is, Ailsa.” She heard Zach’s voice echoing in her mind. The way it had sounded last summer when they said goodbye. “Let’s not make it into something it’s not.” She remembered the stoney look of his face that day at the airport.

  Ailsa felt herself take a step back, as if she could hide herself in the shadows at the entrance of the bar. As if it wasn’t already too late. What is his girlfriend going to say? Ailsa felt her mind spinning. What am I going to say? I’m here…for the bear. I’ll just stick with the truth. It’s just a coincidence. I’m here because of the bear. I’m very happy to meet her. I’m glad to see Zach and Seb again. That’s it. It was just a fling. It’s been over for almost a year.

  He was up on his feet now, and there was no hesitancy about the way he strode towards her past people he didn’t even see. His eyes were locked onto her face. He looked angry. Ailsa could barely stand the discomfort of the way her heart was pounding inside her. This isn’t right. This isn’t how this trip was supposed to go…

  Chapter 2

  Alaska. It had seemed like the end of the earth once. Like the wildness she had been looking for. And when she first set foot on this northern soil, she was not disappointed. The forests were endless. The mountains profound and dominating. The space vast.

  She had taken a trip last summer. Another trip. They had become more frequent the past few years. At first, they were short trips to France or Spain. Then train journeys to Croatia, to Greece. Gradually her time at home in Scotland became simply a means of working to save money so she could escape again. The past two summers she had travelled through the U.S., wandering aimlessly across the southwest deserts and up the West Coast through the redwood forests. What was she looking for? Space? Answers? Peace? She didn’t know. Most of the time she was too afraid to ask herself these questions.

  She always travelled by herself, but she was rarely alone. There were always people on the road, travelling and looking for conversation and company. For Ailsa, it was the perfect kind of friendship. When she met folks she liked, she would travel with them for awhile, listening to their stories, laughing at their jokes, taking mental notes on the other places they’d been until she needed her space or their paths naturally diverged and they would each wave a friendly goodbye. No ties. No expectations. And she could hide parts of herself so easily in the folds of these casual relationships.

  That was how she met Steph and James. She had bumped into them several times over the course of the week hiking through Northern California. Then Ailsa found herself setting up her tent next to theirs at a campsite in the Redwood National Park. Steph was immediately friendly, helping Ailsa peg out her tent, calling out introductions to her friends. It was as if she couldn’t stand to see Ailsa on her own. And after a few days of constant solitude, Ailsa was happy to join their group that evening, sharing food and beer and swapping stories of their travels.

  She had been packing up to move on the next morning when Steph approached her and mentioned the lake house in Alaska. Ailsa felt her eyes go wide at the mere mention of the place. It felt so far away. So wide open to adventure. For the first time in years Ailsa felt her heart leap in her chest. Alaska. What could be more wild and lonely and vast than that? It was the perfect place to explore for the last two weeks of her holiday.

  They took a plane to Anchorage and then a four-by-four jeep packed with Steph’s friends and everyone’s bags. Sitting in the backseat, another girl smashed up next to her, her backpack wedged against her feet, Ailsa watched the hours of trees rush by. She saw two deer standing still across a river, an eagle soar against the late afternoon sky. The wildness of it all whispered into the depths of her. And Ailsa whispered back.

  At last the jeep turned onto a small dirt drive and wound slower and slower through the trees until three cabins came into view. As a backdrop, a wide blue lake reflected the changing light from the sky. As soon as Ailsa opened the door of the stuffy jeep, the crisp breeze blew against her face. Evening had come and even at the height of summer, and even though the sun still dominated the sky, the breeze cooled right down and made you hug your arms around you for warmth. Ailsa could hear the others piling out of the jeep, stretching their legs, calling to each other.

  What a lot of noise we humans make! Ailsa thought.

  All around her, beyond the noise echoing from the car, stretched a beautiful silence made by the singing insects and the breeze as it brushed the tops of the tall spruce trees and the wide open spaces that stretched across the lake. The others probably missed that singing silence. But not Ailsa. She heard it ringing through her body. And she stepped out into it, walking into the trees until the human noise was just a backdrop to the solid silence of the woods. It felt as if she had been looking for this place for a long time. Somewhere else in the wide world that felt like home.

  All the cabins had four bunks at the back and a small kitchen and dining table at the front. Screen windows clouded the light, but they kept out the insects and let in the fresh air and the sounds of the woods all around them. When Ailsa got to the cabins there was only one bed left, and she threw her bags onto the top bunk and immediately wandered back outside to help Steph unload the food from the jeep.

  Later that night, after food and drinks and the long journey had driven most to their beds, Steph, James and their friend Aaron sat wrapped in hats and jackets, dangling their legs off the end of the dock.

  “There’s no stars,” Ailsa whispered. “This really is the land of the midnight sun.” The others nodded. Ailsa leaned up into the soft pale sky feeling the vastness of it drawing her out of herself. She sipped her beer and listened while Steph and James talked about their recent travels through California.

  “What about you?” Aaron asked, leaning over Steph to look at Ailsa.

  “What about me?” She laughed, suddenly aware of her accent in a way she hadn’t been for days. Aaron hadn’t been with them in California, and it always took people a few days before they stopped commenting on the way she spoke.

  “Steph says you’re from Scotland.”

  “That’s true.” Ailsa raised the bottle to her lips hoping that her answer sounded boring. She knew it didn’t. People always love faraway places, and right now Scotland was about as far as you could get around the world, if you didn’t want to go south.

  There was a reason for that, a reason she had put so much distance between herself and her home. She would have to go back soon — too soon — Ailsa knew. But for now she was in Alaska, and she didn’t have to think about it if she didn’t want to.

  “Sounds like an interesting place,” Aaron tried again.

  “It’s not,” Ailsa lied. “Just like where you’re from, I’m sure. People working their jobs. Gossiping. Getting through the week. Getting drunk on weekends.”

  “Or on a Tuesday night!” Steph
said, saving her from the conversation with a raised bottle of beer.

  “Here here!” James echoed and the friends clinked bottles and laughed.

  For a moment, an image of the highlands flashed before her eyes, the heather and bracken coloring the mountainsides purple and orange and green. Her mountains were different than the mountains she had seen looming around them as they had driven up to the lake. They sloped and sang their way through the land. Here the mountains stood like hewn stone, powerful and uncompromising. But there was something similar in them as well, something Ailsa recognized, as if all these mountains stood upon the land like guardians of the Earth herself, witnessing all that had come to pass.

  Ailsa shook her head and looked back into the dark face of the Alaskan night trying to push her past away from this present moment that was practically perfect.

  Chapter 3

  “I’m not going in. The water’s freezing!” The sun beat down on them from the clear summer sky, but one-by-one everyone had dipped their toes off the edge of the dock, cursed enthusiastically and backed away.

  “We used to go swimming in there all the time when we were kids,” Steph shook her head, strawberry blond hair swinging in a thick ponytail.

  “Come on!” James pulled at Steph’s hand playfully as if he were going to pull her up from the deck chair. “I’ll jump if you do.”